After my weekly Possibility Team meeting ended, I sat there in a 5-body liquid state, feeling deep sadness because I found myself again in a place of numbness, playing small and being adaptive. I sat there feeling the pain of being under somebody else's irresponsible context? I asked myself, how am I creating this? What in me is creating this? The pain was immense, I was immersed in a space where I didn't have power, tipy toeing around, why am I doing this? I don't need to do this anymore, I have access to my NO, let's use it.
During the meeting I had written in my beepbook: GO. My being wrote it before my mind could make sense of it or create reasons. In my liquid state I strted packing up my stuff and decided to leave the space where I had arranged to stay for the next week. I felt sadness, deep sadness that I was leaving, that I had gotten to that point where I didn't have access to my edge, that the low drama in the space had consumed the love of my being. I felt angry because I didn't do enough to set my boundaries and to say NO before it had gotten too far.
I felt scared because I felt how the space was consuming my being instead of nurturing it. This pattern felt extremely familiar. I had felt this before many other times in collaborating with others in other spaces. In the past I had just let it pass, let it be how it is, submit, subdue, tolerate, continue tolerating the unconscious actions of others, even joining in that behavior and taking part in the gremlin jokes. But this time, I had the sensitivity to detect that it was there, and that it was accumulating faster than it was being used, and that it wouldn't take too long for it to get to the next level of numbness.
I walked to my friend where I was staying, my heart was beating hard, I was scared because I didn't know what I was going to say and how it was going to go. I asked him: "Do you have a moment to talk?". He said: "Yes". Then I said: "I changed my mind. (pause) I'm not going to stay here for a week. I'm going to continue my journey out there."
