I’m in bed. I’m thinking about all the things. Does this ever stop? I’m in pain. I put up a wall, so that I
can keep going in my day to day commitments.
The hot flashes are coming back, they never left. A deep sensation of longing for the closeness of
another being, in my heart, in my root, in my mind. This is the time of
the year when the chemistry in my body goes crazy, the yearning for
connection, secretly planning my escape, the self criticizing, the
violent thoughts, not violent as in hurting, but violent as in fast
changing, violent shifts, devastating, powerful, undeniable. I try to
calm myself, I hear the voices saying that there’s something wrong with
me.
I’m resisting something big and I try to escape by distracting myself with something else, hiding
behind the doing, I have the sensation of growing big like a giant and
the world around me saying that it’s not ok, -stop it. you’re gonna get
hurt. they’re gonna kill you. we’re gonna kill you. they’re going to
burn you at the stake.-
I ask my ally to do what he needs to do to help me survive. I put my head down. He takes over.
Distractions, running around, catharsis, throwing away the energy at the
fastest rate possible, overreactions, reactivity, over talking, use any
excuse to release the energy out of my being. It works like a small
band-aid on a big wound gushing blood.
The flush of energy doesn’t stop, the big feelings are there, i want to feel, i want to be alive, i
want to be in alignment with these feelings, I want to share with others
who are in alignment with life, I want to share with others who don’t
suck out my life’s energy.
I didn’t have a chance to do this as a child. As an adult I tried a few times but i end up putting
myself back in a prison. I’m in the prison right now. Punishing myself
for the sake of surviving. Telling myself that is not ok to grow, is not
ok to feel this, is not just not ok, it’s dangerous, it’s stupid, I
would die if I grow, I would be killed if I grow. In this prison, I’m
scared, and the fear is so overwhelming that it fires up about
everything, every little thing is enough for me to make a meaning that
im scared of it, I’m not saying anything, what is this about? Where am
I? Where am i taking you, who is reading, with what I’m sharing?
What the fuck is up with this world?
I’m a hooker. I’m trying to paint the picture here. I want to make it about my partner, but that’s
how I throw away my power to do something, there’s just so much evidence
out there. I made my partner pregnant, once, twice, three times, four
times, now we have three children, we haven’t had sex in over 1 year, we
don’t have space for intimacy, we’re tired, we’re triggered, we’re
resentful, we secretly hate each other. Ah, I’m in the monogamy prison.
Oh.
My parents did it. Their parents did it. Their parent’s parents did it. What would be different
from me doing it too? Her parents did it. Her grandparents did it. Her
great grandparents did it. What would be any different for her doing it
too?
The Monogamy Prison
What does this prison look like? Why is it a prison? It’s all around me. It’s hard to tell what is
real and what isn’t. There are invisible walls that I’m hitting. It’s my
mother’s prison. I’m in my mother’s prison. And part of it is the
monogamy prison. I’m giving you all my attention. I’m here sitting in
the prison with you. This is where I’ve been since childhood. I’ve had
the illusion of being out of here, but I haven’t moved an inch relative
to my center.
Ok. It’s a prison. It’s a Gameworld. What are the rules of engagement of this Gameworld? Where/how
am I hitting a wall? I want to be understood, but I’m a prisoner, I
want to be treated on my best interest but im a prisoner, I want to be
out of here without getting hurt, punished, yelled at, but im a
prisoner, i want to reason with the prison guard but she’s not listening
to an insignificant prisoner.
I’m here because I put myself here, because I haven’t learned to escape, because I don’t think I’m
worthy of my freedom, because I think I deserve to be in prison. I’ve
been trained to think that I deserve to be in prison. I hate it here.
It’s twisted here. It’s not life in here, it’s half-life. I play prison
video games, I eat prison food, I watch prison movies, I do prison
things, I have prison feelings. I have prison thoughts. I have prison
friends. I write prison things. I hold prison spaces. I have prison
children.
The hot flashes, the intense flush of feelings and energy is what is guiding me. I have thoughts of
being unworthy, of being inappropriate, of being perverted, of being
twisted. The virus is insidious, the prison is programmed right into my
thoughts, the doors are open, do I want to walk out? I am the prison,
the prisoner, the guard. These parts are blind to each other. It’s
impossible to escape figuring it out logically or reasonably.
Do I deserve my freedom?
Am I destined to be free of this prison? Let’s map out this prison that has held me for so long. Here it goes:
I’m alive. I choose to be born. I am one with life. I am one with everything that is happening inside
me and outside me. I make the assumption that everyone is one with me.
I’m a baby, I just came out, take care of me. They don’t take care of
me, instead a strange conditioning is place all around me, I fight it,
but it’s everywhere I look, everyone is doing it, resistance is futile.
My next move is to develop a strategy to live within these conditioning. Welcome to prison. Walls
everywhere. You have big feelings, here goes a beating, here goes a
yelling, here goes a punishment. You want to go somewhere you’re not
allowed, BANG. You don’t want to eat prison food, BANG. You can come out
when you’re 18yo. By the time you’re 18yo your being is already
programmed with prison Thoughtware.
Prison can be comfortable. In fact, that’s what makes it the hardest to escape. You know how it goes,
you know what to expect, you know the rules, everyone knows the rules,
it’s familiar, is predictable, you relate with others prisoners, you
share the sorrow of sharing the prison, you get to play video games, eat
prison food, work prison jobs, etc. Is not until your life force grows,
the prison becomes constraining of the full expression of your being,
and the prison guards bring in their baton to punish you, question you,
lock you up and put you down.
The evidence piles up, the prison walls become tangible, the uninitiated Allies make their moves,
they take over and start acting, NO PRISONER WILL ESCAPE MY PRISON, I
WILL KILL YOU, YOU WILL BE DEAD IF YOU TRY TO ESCAPE, YOU DON’T DESERVE
YOUR FREEDOM, YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE.
Is the prison a natural occurrence of life?
If you contemplate for a moment that there’s a purpose for this prison, just like there’s an egg shell
for the embryo to develop, then the prison starts making a different
sense, you stop being a victim of the prison, you start seeing your
place in the prison. Only then the exit of the prison starts becoming
more clear. You are still growing. And like many other eggs, they end up
never hatching. It’s all you, the prison guards are you, the prison is
you, the prisoner is you, this trio is the conditioning that was
programmed into your being to survive the world where you were born
into.
Are you ready to be born? Are you ready to peck your way out your egg shell? Are you ready to blow out
the walls of the prison? Call your appointed spiritual birthing
midwife. Choosing to be born, is also choosing to die.
Monogamy Prison: I love you and you love me, lets be together forever. Empty promises. I love you no
matter what. I’ll be with you no matter what. I’ll take care of you no
matter what. -> Heal from Monogamy
What parts of me are my prison?
My body, my hunger, my aspirations, my beliefs, my judgement, my stories, expectations, rules.
What parts of me are the prisoner?
The being that is growing, the being that is temporarily trapped.
What parts of me are the prison guard?
The trapper, the part of me that punishes, contains, restraints, represses, oppresses, prevents the being from escaping.
It’s impossible to formulate from the point of origin of the prison anything that is not a prison.
It’s impossible to explain from this point of origin what things look
like from a different point of origin. Just like it’s impossible for the
embryo to understand what life looks like outside of the egg. Just like
it’s impossible for a fish who lives in an aquarium to understand what
life is like in the open waters.
Is the monogamy prison and your mother’s prison a man made prison or is it a natural occurring or are
those two options mutually exclusive?
Is the prison, a human or alien made artificial contraption to teach humans, or growing consciousness,
what life is through painful experiences of constraining and releasing?
More prison questions…
Once the embryo has grown and developed enough, the prison becomes too small, the size of his being
outgrows his environment, his beak is strong enough to pierce through
the thin layer of the egg shell, which is left behind has raw material
that goes back to the earth, the being, now unconstrained, moves on and
continues to grow in a new world.
This is where I’m at, my X in the map: I spend my life in insecure withdrawal and cynical hatred towards myself and the world.
Resources:
- Heal from Monogamy
- 8 Prisons
- Resentment
